The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular The Simpsons Quotes
Bob: Bart Simpson, that mischeivous little scamp that twice sent me to that dank urine soaked hellhole.
Parole Officer: Uh...We object to the term "urine soaked hellhole," when you could of used "peepee soaked heckhole."
Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Bart: Ya know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: Nuh-uh. He smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Marge: Homer, that's terrible! We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: (Gasps) My God, you're right, Marge! You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would ya?
Bart: Well
Homer: (Screams) Marge, what do we do!?
(The Simpson family arrives at the Springfield Mall.)
Lisa: This place is lookin' a little run down.
Bart: Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here.
Mr. Burns: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you.
Homer: (Thinks) A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner.
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: With...
Homer: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...Me!
Homer: Me? But that's you!
(Bart and Lisa are playing Ping Pong.)
Bart: Ping.
Lisa: Pong.
Bart: Ping.
Lisa: Pong.
(After watching the clips of the home video)
Bart: Ha ha ha ha. They're going to eat this up at show and tell.
Marge: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely. Come on, have a sense of humor about yourself. (Watches the clip of himself on the toilet saying "I'm a big boy today," then Lisa laughs) Uhhhh I gotta find somethin' else quick.
Homer: (as a blackjack dealer) Uh, let's see: eighteen, twenty-seven, thirty-fiveDealer busts! Looks like you all win again.
Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Bart: None.
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see.
(Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.)
Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war.
(Herman pulls out a document.)
Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson."
(Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.)
Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
Marge: Krusty, say something funny!
Krusty: Uh, gee, a joke, uuhummeh ah funny, okay, this guy walks into a bar, he takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist, oh, no, wait, I can't tell that one!
I oversee fourteen schools and I always find myself at yours discussing a Simpson kid.
Chalmers
When I grow up, you can buy an apartment building and make me a super.
Bart
(Homer and Marge catch Selma kissing Grampa)
Homer: (screams) A bear is eating my father!
Selma: I'm Selma!
Homer: (screams) A talking bear is eating my father!
