Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem.

Homer

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Marge: Homer, you smell like Chicago. Did you fly there in a commercial airline?
Homer: No way. Commercial is for losers and terrorists. I flew in a private plane.
Marge: Wow, is it much different from normal plane?
Homer: Please, tell me you're joking. It's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

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Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off?!

Homer

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(falling off a ski lift) Aw, c'mon gravity! You used to be cool.

Homer

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Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.

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Ghost: How could you mistake him for me?
Willie: It was that sassy mouth that got you killed in the first place.

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(rapping) I'm Mr. Plow and I'm here to say, I'm the plowingest guy in the USA. I got a big plow and I move a lot of things, just like your cow if you have one!

Homer

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Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?
Marge: Point zero eight sober.
Homer: Point one five.
Marge: Point zero nine.
Homer: Point one oh, with a stomach full of bread. My final offer.
Marge: (Groans) Deal.

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Lovejoy: I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night!
Bart: Really?
Lisa: I didn't know that.
Lovejoy: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week.
Bart: Oh, oh, that radio show!
Lisa: Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at school.
Lovejoy: Oh, well, why don't you have a free t-shirt. You'll be the coolest kids in the playground!
Bart: He, he we'll put 'em on later -- now.

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Homer: What are you getting at?
Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new things, live life to the
Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!

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Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
Homer: Here you go.
Lisa: (Counts the money) Dad, this is $110!
Homer: Oh, sorry. (Gives her the whole wallet)

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Corey: Hi, you've reached the Corey hot-line. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: gory, story, allegory, montessori...

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