The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 5 Episode 5: "Treehouse of Horror IV"" Quotes
Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed. No, wait--
Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--
Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Devil Flanders: Hey, listen; I did a favor for you!
Nixon: Yes, master.
Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
Simpsons: Ahh!
Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?
Homer
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: "Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy...where our beds and TV...is.
Lisa: Ew! Dad, this is blood!
Homer: Correction--free blood.
Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (It is labeled "Dracula.") Police are baffled.
Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.
Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
Homer: (Looking at the painting) Aah! They're dogs...and they're playing poker! Aah!
Bart: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!
Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
Principal Skinner
That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!
Lionel Hutz
Mmm...forbidden donut.
Homer
(reading note) "Dear Homer, I. O. U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
Homer
Mr. Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow, Smithers? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11 o'clock.
Lisa: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart: We're all vampires.
Lisa: But no. We killed Mr. Burns.
Homer: You have to kill the head vampire.
Lisa: You're the head vampire?
Marge: No, I'm the head vampire. (Lets out an evil laugh)
Lisa: Mom?
Marge: Well I do have a life outside this house, you know.
