The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 1 Episode 12: "Krusty Gets Busted"

Judge Snyder: Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?
Krusty: Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Prosecutor: All right, all right. See this, Krusty? (Holds up an evidence label with a "B" on it.) This is a "B." And this is exhibit B. (Holds up betting slips.) Betting slips--obtained by this court indicating that you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
Krusty: Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
Krusty: Oh.
 • Rating: Unrated

Sideshow Bob: My young friends, for years I have been silent, save for the crude glissandos of this primitive wind instrument. (Holds up slide whistle.) But now, destiny has thrust me into the center ring. In the coming weeks, you will notice some rather sweeping changes in our program. Please do not be alarmed. Itchy and Scratchy will still have a home here. But we will also learn about nutrition, self-esteem, etiquette, and all the lively arts.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 11: "The Crepes of Wrath"

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it behooves us all to consider...deportation.
Marge: Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?
Homer: Eh, hear him out, Marge.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: I'm gonna miss you, son. And listen, while you're seeing all those great sights, always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.
 • Rating: Unrated

(The Simpson family waits for Adil's arrival at the airport.)
Lisa: You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek.
Homer: (Chuckles). You gotta be kiddin'. (Chuckles) The lek.
Lisa: And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field.
Homer: Give me the ol' stars and stripes.
Lisa: And the main export is furious political thought.
Homer: Political what?
 • Rating: Unrated

(Principal Skinner introduces the new exchange student, Adil, to the school.)
Principal Skinner: You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt. In this way, and only this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbors throughout the world.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart tries to seek help from a French policeman after he is sent into town by Cesar and Ugolin, and he walks away dejected, because he couldn't communicate in French with the policeman.)
Bart: I'm so stupid. Anybody could have learned this dumb language by now. Here I've listened to nothing but French for the past (Speaking French) two months and I haven't learned a word. Wait! I'm talking French now. Incredible!
(Bart runs back up to the French policeman.)
Bart: (Speaking French) You gotta help me! These two guys work me night and day. They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. They put anti-freeze in the wine, and they gave my red hat to the donkey.
Policeman: (Speaking French) Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marge: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
(Homer struggles with the wine bottle.)
Homer: Sorry, Marge. Some wise guy stuck a cork in the bottle.
Bart: (Speaking French) My father. What a buffoon.
Homer: You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart holds a cherry bomb in his hand.)
Milhouse: So, you're gonna flush it?
Bart: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics
 • Rating: Unrated

(Principal Skinner pays a visit to the Simpson home.)
Marge: Homer, Principal Skinner is here.
Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me.
Skinner: Mm-hmm. I understand completely.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Principal Skinner tries to convince Marge and Homer to place Bart in the student exchange program.)
Principal Skinner: Actually, he'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart of the wine country.
Marge: But Bart doesn't speak French.
Principal Skinner: Oh, when he's fully immersed in a foreign language, the average child can become fluent in weeks!
Homer: Yeah, but what about Bart?
Principal Skinner: I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Bart likes the idea of becoming an exchange student in France.)
Bart: And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom?
Marge: Yes, Bart.
Bart: Wow! And one back?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cesar: Drink this.
Bart: Oh, no thanks.
Cesar: Do not worry. This is France. (Chuckles) It is customary for children to take a little wine now and then.
Bart: Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there.
Cesar: Drink it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Adil: How can you defend a country where 5 percent of the people control 95 percent of the wealth?
Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think, and act, and worship any way they want!
Adil: Can not.
Lisa: Can too.
Adil: Can not!
Lisa: Can too!
Homer: Please, please kids! Stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil has a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Adil clears the dishes after dinner.)
Homer: Did you see that? You know, Marge, this the way I've always wanted it to be. We've become a fully functioning family unit. We've always blamed ourselves, but I guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing.
Marge: Homer!
Lisa: Your paper-thin commitment to your children sends shivers down my spine! May I be excused?
(Lisa gets up and leaves.)
Marge: Lisa!
Homer: Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it. And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her. (Laughs)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Just kidding!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 10: "Homer's Night Out"

Homer: Oh, no! 239 Pounds? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Homer: 239 Pounds! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty? From now on, exercise every morning!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Milhouse: Come on, Bart. You're gonna make me a print, aren't you?
Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this photo?
Milhouse: Okay!
Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Milhouse: Yep!
Bart: Stick a needle in your eye?
Milhouse: Yep!
Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
Milhouse: Yep!
Bart: Eat a horse manure pie?
Milhouse: (Thinks for a second) Yep!
Bart: Well, okay.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, they are our wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. They are our mothers. And you know somethin', folks? As ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep, than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string. Am I wrong? Or am I right?
 • Rating: Unrated

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