The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes (Page 4)

Season 1 Episode 8: "The Telltale Head"

Bart: Dad, can I talk to you about something?
Homer: Sure, boy. What's on your mind?
(Homer puts Bart on his lap.)
Bart: Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So, like, sometimes you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: (Sternly) Are you?
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp.
(Bart's climbs down from Homer's lap.)
Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday school today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah. Among other things, apes can't get into Heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
 • Rating: Unrated

Clancy Wiggum: Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge: It's a statue of the trailblazing founder of our town.
Lisa: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it.
Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
Barney: How long will this story take?
Bart: Uh, about twenty-three minutes and five seconds.
 • Rating: Unrated

Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not!
Bart: Um, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Ooh! Look at this one! "The Hammer of Thor: It will sends your pins to...Val-halla." Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
Homer: Oh, that's some ball!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 7: "The Call of the Simpsons"

Homer: But, uh, how can you afford something like this, Ned? I get your mail once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Hey, Dad, how come we can't get a decent mower, like the Flanders have?
Homer: Just be happy with what what you've got, son. Don't try to keep up with the Flander-es-es.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Turkey farm?
Lisa: No.
Bart: Skunks?
Lisa: No.
Bart: Slaughterhouse?
Lisa: No.
Marge: What are you doing back there?
Lisa: We're playing, "What's that odor?"
Bart: Dad's feet?
Homer: Bart!
Lisa: You win, Bart.
Homer: Lisa!
Bart: Are we there yet, Dad?
Homer: I'll tell you when we get there. Go back to your smell game.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite. The VanStar One, launched last February, just for this thing, that's all.
Bart: Whoa, man!
Marge: I'm not sure that we can afford--
Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob: It has four of them--one for each part of the chicken.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? (Chuckles) No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bob: Mr. Simpson, you're never gonna own a better RV. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean literally, buddy. This is for you, you know? It's this or a wagon.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Through here, boy. Back to civilization.
Bart: How do you know?
Homer: When you're an experienced woodsman like me, you get a feel for these things. It becomes natural, like a third sense.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 6: "Moaning Lisa"

Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man!
Lisa: But, mom! Can't I just stay a little longer?
Marge: Come on. Come on. We're worried about you. (to Bleeding Gums Murphy) Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge [to Bart, Homer and Lisa]: I'm sorry, everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.
Bart: Well, mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep--
Homer: Bart!
 • Rating: Unrated

Gym Teacher: Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of it's path.
Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Homer: So, why are you still awake?
Marge: Well, I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Moe: Yeah. Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart: Is Jacques there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jacques. Last name Strap.
Moe: Uh, hold on. (Calling out) Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap!
(The entire bar laughs at Moe.)
Moe: What? Aw, wait a minute, Jacques Strap? It's you isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
 • Rating: Unrated

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