The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 1 Episode 10: "Homer's Night Out"

Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's an open beer in the fridge.
(Homer gazes out of Barney's window.)
Homer: Look, Barney. See the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.
Barney: Hey, that's rough, pal. (Dials phone) Hello, Marge. You left your damn porch light on!
Homer: Barney!
Barney: Homer's not made of money, you know!
Marge: Who is this?
(Homer takes the phone away from Barney.)
Homer: Don't listen to him, Marge. He's--
Marge: Oh, it's you. Hmph. (Hangs up phone.)
Homer: Oh
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing.
Homer: Yes, I do. Because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired.
 • Rating: Unrated

Waiter: Ahoy! I spy the children's menu.
Bart: Ahoy, this place bites.
Marge: Bart!
Waiter: So, what's it going to be, me little bucko?
Bart: (Chuckles) Hmm, let's see. This evening I shall go for the...squid platter--
Lisa: Ewww!
Bart: --with extra tentacles, please.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: By the way, this Friday night I'm gonna be attending a little get together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marrying some girl in Valve Maintenance.
Marge: Homer, is this some kind of stag party?
Homer: No, no, Marge. It's gonna be very classy. A tea-and-crumpets kind of thing.
Marge: Hmm. Eugene Fisk. Isn't he your assistant?
Homer: No! (Mumbles) My supervisor.
Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant?
Homer: Hey! What is this, the Spanish Exposition?
Marge: Sorry, Homer.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: So, how was the office birthday party?
Homer: Oh, it was delightful. The frosting on the cake was this thick. (Uses thumb and index finger to indicate the thickness.) And Eugene Fisk--my poor sucker of an assistant--didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of himself putting the moves on the new girl in Valve Maintenance. Ha, ha, ha.
Marge: Does this girl like him?
Homer: Pffft. I have to warn you, Marge. I think the poor young thing has the hots for Yours Truly.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Mr. Burns: I mean this! (holds up the picture of Homer with belly dancer)
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. (wrinkles up the picture into a ball) I will not have you offending my customers with your bawdy shenanigans!
Homer: It won't happen again, sir, I promise! Can I get outta' your sight now?
Mr. Burns: Wait a minute, Simpson! Smithers, could you please leave the room?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: (sadly) Simpson... I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain, how should I put it?... "Animal magnétisme". (begging) Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.
Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
Mr. Burns: (pleasantly) Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.
Homer: I don't really know, sir--
Mr. Burns: (angrily) Simpson!
Homer: (scared) Well, oh, wine 'em! Dine 'em. Bring them flowers. Write them love poetry... sir.
Mr. Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. (angrily) Now return to your work! And tell no one of what transpired here.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 9: "Life on the Fast Lane"

Lisa: Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in Stage three, fear. You're in Stage two, denial.
Bart: No, I'm not.
Lisa: Yes, you are!
Bart: No, I'm not!
Lisa: Yes, you are!
Bart: I'm not! I'm not! Am not!
Lisa: I stand corrected.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help.
Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here.
Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse.
Homer: Hmm. Good advice.
 • Rating: Unrated

(At Marge's birthday party, Patty and Selma comment on Homer.)
Patty: Look at him wolf down that gristle.
Selma: Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen.
Patty: Do you know the Heimlich maneuver?
Selma: No.
Patty: Good.
 • Rating: Unrated

Helen: Marge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister.
Marge: Oh, yes. Hello, Helen.
Helen: Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, "Why, isn't that Marge Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?" (Chuckles) And I just had to come over and say hello.
Marge: We're, um--
Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, (Looks at Jacques' bowling ball.) Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Jacques.
Jacques: Marge.
Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge, may I speak to you?
Marge: Sure.
Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. (Silent pause) Good-bye, my wife.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lenny: Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go!
Co-worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza--the food of kings!
Lisa: Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard takin' care of us.
Homer: (Laughs) Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn.
(Everyone silently eats some pizza.)
Homer: Does the time always drag like this?
 • Rating: Unrated

Jacques: Here we are.
Marge: You didn't have to drop me off.
Jacques: But I wanted to.
(Jacques grabs Marge's hand and stares into her eyes.)
Jacques: Marge, do you know how beautiful you look in the moonlight?
Marge: Oh, Jacques. I'm a married woman.
Jacques: I know. I know. My mind says, "Stop," but my heart and my hips cry, "Proceed."
Marge: (Groans nervously)
Jacques: Marge, darling, I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlarama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch.
Marge: What's brunch?
Jacques: You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.
Marge: I don't think so.
Jacques: Marge, darling, there are ten pins in my heart. You've knocked over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare?
Marge: Mm. Mm. All right!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies.
Jacques: (Laughs) I like you so much. They're not for bowling, Marge. You're so naïve. They're for lovemaking!
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me.
Homer: What? No!
Marge: The holes were drilled for your fingers.
Homer: Well, I wanted to surprise you. I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?
Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball.
Homer: Well, if that's how you feel, I'll take it back.
Marge: You can't take it back! You had your name engraved on it!
Homer: So you'd know it was from me!
Marge: Homer, I'm keeping the ball...for myself!
Homer: What? But you don't know how to bowl. Whoops!
Marge: I'm keeping it, and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, Homer.
(Marge clicks off the light and goes to bed.)
Homer: Well...you're...welcome.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: You're a very good teacher.
Jacques: Yes, I am a very good teacher, and I can teach you everything. I can tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean,--
Marge: Hmmm.
Jacques: --which frame is the beer frame. I bet you don't know how to make a five-seven-ten split. Do you, Marge?
Marge: Hmmm, no.
Jacques: Well, first of all, you yell, "The eight-pin is a cop!"
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 8: "The Telltale Head"

Mr. Burns: I love you, Smithers.
Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Krusty the Klown: There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity! If you know who cut off Jebediah's head--I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy or your mommy... turn 'em in, and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's!
 • Rating: Unrated

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