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The-simpsons

Marge: Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away.
Selma: Don't worry yourself.
Patty: We've got six months of maternity leave we're never going to use anyway.

Radio: It's time for another Bill and Marty Classic Prank Call!
Bill: Hello is this Mr. Chester Sherman?
Chester: Yes.
Bill: Sir your wife is dead!
Chester: Oh...god, no!
Bill: That's right, she just walked through a plate glass window, there's blood everywhere!
Chester: But...but I just talked to her (starts crying)
Bill/Marty: (Laughs)

Uh, mom, could you loosen my blanket a little? Dad tucked me in too tight and it's cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.

Lisa

Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, and I'll be your waiter.
Homer: Hello, I'm Homer and I'll be your customer!
Waiter: Hmmhaven't heard that one before.

Lovejoy: Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lure of the big game.
Guy: Oh my god, I forgot the game!

Moe: I'm sorry Homer, you can't take any more of my money, I'm out of the bookie business.
Barney: But Moe, you've been taking bets all
Moe: Hey Barney, how bout a free beer!
Barney: Wow!
Homer: Don't worry, Moe, I'm not betting.
Moe: What!? Gimmie that.
Barney: Ooow!

Homer: Boy, I know you're gonna like your present.
Bart's Present: Shuddup, shuddup, kiss my butt, shuddup, go to hell, go to hell!
Bart: Dad, I promise I'll never get tired of this.

Lisa: How's the game going?
Bart: "You hate dad" is up by a touchdown.

Larry: What you got riding on this?
Homer: My daughter.
Larry: What a gambler!

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