The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 3 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 3 Episode 19: "Dog of Death"

Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (quickly) Actual odds of winning one in three hundred and eighty million.
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Homer: You don't understand, Marge. The lottery is the one ray of hope in my otherwise unbearable life! (pause) Uh, the lottery and you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kent Brockman: But there's already one big winner...Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library.
Skinner: Just think what we can buy with that money...History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall, where children are held in place by magnets.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Marge: Well, we lost the money, but at least we still have each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (on Kent Brockman) Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: (Thinks for a moment) A dinosaur!
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Homer: I wanna pet him again!
Marge: You can pet the cat.
Homer: The cat? What's the point?
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.
Bart: Is there a Doggie Hell?
Homer: Well of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell.
Bart: Who's in there?
Homer: Oh, uh Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester
Lisa: Checkers.
Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one who mauled Timmy!
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: (after Homer explains about Doggie Heaven) Hey, wait a minute. Does this have to do anything with Santa's Little Helper?
Marge: Oh, honey, seven hundred and fifty dollars is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
Bart: You're gonna just let him die?
Marge: I know you're upset.
Bart: Darn right, I'm upset!
Marge: Bart! Watch your language! Oh, you did. Sorry.
Bart: I'm not gonna let our dog die and that's it! (leaves the kitchen and mumbles to himself)
 • Rating: Unrated

Veterinarian: This is the part of the job I hate the most. (Tosses hampster into trashcan with mini-basketball hoop)
Homer: Hey, you did the best you could.
Veterinarian: I love animals. I spend my life saving them and they can't thank me. Well, the parrots can. Let's see what's wrong with this one.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: (about Santa's Little Helper) Aw, how come he gets meat and we don't?
Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating, it's mostly just snouts and entrails.
Homer: Mmmm, snouts.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 3 Episode 18: "Separate Vocations"

Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
Marge: No, Maggie!
 • Rating: Unrated

Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph Wiggum: (Gluestick poking out of his mouth) No, Miss. Hoover.
 • Rating: Unrated

Principal Skinner: Your punishment is 400 days detention.
Bart: I could easily do that on my head.
Principal Skinner: 500 days!
Bart: Oh, ho ho.
Principal Skinner: 600 days!
Bart: Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut.
 • Rating: Unrated

Eddie: This is against every regulation but, will you cover us? (Hands Bart a gun.)
Bart: Cool!
 • Rating: Unrated

Cheif Wiggum: Looks like you bought yourself a lottery ticket...to jail!
Lou: He's unconscious, sir.
Chief Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Edna: We're going to take a test.
Class: (sighs)
Hoover: We're going to take a test.
Lisa: All right, a test!
 • Rating: Unrated

Edna: Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!
 • Rating: Unrated

Miss Hoover: Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
 • Rating: Unrated

Miss Hoover: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bart: Wow! Can I see your club?
Lou: It's called a baton, son.
Bart: Oh. What's it for?
Lou: We club people with it.
 • Rating: Unrated

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