The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes (Page 16)

Season 5 Episode 11: "Homer the Vigilante"

Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. (pulls out a piece of paper) Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination--
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Uh, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer's Brain: Mental note, the girl knows too much.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kent Brockman: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?
Homer: Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touch.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Principal Skinner: How ironic.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
 • Rating: 2.5 / 5.0

Homer: Oh my God! Underage kids drinking without a permit!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (reading the paper) "Asleep at the switch"! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, dad.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: People can come up with statistics to prove anything Kent. Forty percent of people know that!
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery.
Chief Wiggum: (bored) A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. (hangs up) That's another one, Lou 723 Evergreen Terrace. (Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it) Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it hereand I move these over here hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

(talking about how Molloy stole the diamond)
Grampa: There was something different about the way he was walking that day. Much more vertical than usual. (Molloy was climbing with rappel.)
 • Rating: Unrated

Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo: Can I!
Homer: You're in. Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own doorknobs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Grampa: You see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him. (Laughs)
Moe: Shut up.
Grampa: I've had my moment.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 10: "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

Homer: Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Nevada makes my butt look big.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kent Brockman: Joblessness is not just for philosophy majors anymore. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Homer: (to Lisa) It's always something, isn't it? First, I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital so she can give birth to you. Now this!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like Santa Claus? Well, you have a gambling problem.
 • Rating: Unrated

Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson: Your manager says for you shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: (holding a miniature plane) We'll take the Spruce Goose. Hop in.
Smithers: But sure I
(Burns pulls out a gun)
Mr. Burns: I said hop in.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Here's a card for you, James Bond.
James Bond: You gave me a Joker?!
 • Rating: Unrated

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