The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Season 5 Episode 22: "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer (wearing a leather jacket): Look everyone. Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Uh...incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: If he can teach a class, then he can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class!
 • Rating: 4.8 / 5.0

Bart: I missed you so much that I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an "F."
Homer: This is dated two weeks ago.
Bart: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Will you be lecturing from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method of interactive class participation?
Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Otto: (After an insect falls out of his hair) You think you get them all, but you forget about the eggs.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (to Bart) Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male figure, you could turn sissy overnight. (as he's scrubbing his underwear) Oh, these stubborn grass stains.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Otto: I can't believe I paid ten-thousand dollars for this class. What the hell was that lab fee for!?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marge: Homer I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge I didn't tell em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everyone knew I dyed my hair blue.
Homer: Oh you mean about you?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Moe: Hey Homer, why don't you nibble her elbow...that always melts her butter, heh heh.
Marge: Get out! Everyone get out now!
Apu: Ooooh, she's got to have it!
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Okay, brain. If we don't think of something, Marge will leave us forever!
Homer's Brain: Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding...
Homer: Well, alright. But then we gotta get to work. (starts eating the pudding)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Annex Manager: Now Tell me Mr. Simpson, what special skills could you teach a class on?
Homer: Uh... I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Annex Manager: No you can't! No one can!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? (Homer eats an orange) Simpson?!
Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange.
Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, not to the eye that has brains; I'm making a point about marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards... (devours it)
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Oh. And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Annex Manager: We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.
Homer: I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging, and noise... uh, of a family of love. Tra-la-la-la!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!
Marge: Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!!
Homer (sheepishly): Yes ma'am.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as, "the process of removing weeds from one's garden."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Well, let's just call them... uh, 'Mr. X' and 'Mrs. Y'. So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Good news, Lisa! I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement for her that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her! (he knocks the plant out of the treehouse) Aah! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! All right, let's get our stories straight she tripped, right?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

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