The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes (Page 17)

Season 5 Episode 10: "$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"

Homer: Wow, just like on TV.
(he trips over an ottoman. A studio audience begins to laugh)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa. ClovesTom Collins' mixfrozen pie crust (he just give it a bite) Lets go for mom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Smithers: Don't you think you've gambled enough?
Marge: No.
Smithers: Very well, ma'am. We're required to asked every 72 hours. Enjoy a free round of drinks.
 • Rating: Unrated

Gerry: Hello. I'm retired heavyweight boxer Gerry Cooney. Welcome to Mr. Burns' Casino! If there's anything I can do to make your visit more
enjoyable, please: just let me know.
Otto: Er, great. See ya!
Gerry: Uh, don't forget to apply for our V.I.P. Platinum Club for special discounts on
Otto: Hey! I said, bug off!
(Otto punches him in the jaw, and he collapses)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: Well, I know it sounds absurd. But I dreamed the Boogeyman was after me and he's...
Homer: Ahhh! Boogeyman! You nail all the doors and the windows; I'll go get the gun!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Robert Goulet: You from the casino?
Bart: I'm from a casino.
Robert Goulet: Close enough.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Captain McCallister: I'll need three ships and 50 stout men. We'll sail 'round the horn and return with spices and silk the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We're building a casino!
Captain McCallister: Arrr...can you give me five minutes?
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry Kissinger: Uh...yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car. (Thinking to himself) No one must know I dropped them in the toilet--not I, the man who drafted the Paris peace accord.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Principal Skinner: And here is a special award to the children who obviously didn't have any help from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
Ralph: (With a plastic bag that says "Idaho" on it) I'm Idaho!
Principal Skinner: Sure you are!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mayor Quimby: I propose that I use what's left of the town treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, er, once elected, I will send for the rest of you.
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Barney: Man, that's classic compulsive behavior. Wow, free beer!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge, we need to talk. You're spending too much time at the casino and I think you may have a problem.
Marge: I won sixty dollars last night.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Problem solved!
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa: I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mr. Burns: Ah, my beloved plant. How I miss her...Bah! To Hell with this! Get my razors! Draw a bath! Get these Kleenex boxes off my feet!
Smithers: Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine?
Mr. Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (to Marge) You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed...she's such a little trooper!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge, I want you to admit you have a gambling problem.
Marge: You know, you're right, Homer. Maybe I should get some professional help.
Homer: No, no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it anymore.
 • Rating: Unrated

James Bond: (Being dragged away by villain's henchmen) But...but it's Homer's fault! I didn't lose. I never lose! Well, at least tell me the details of your plot for world domination.
Blofeld: Ho ho ho, I'm not going to fall for that one again.
 • Rating: Unrated

Homeless Guy: Got any spare change?
Grampa: Yeah! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing! (Walks into the Social Security Office) I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Grampa: Hah! The way people act around here, you'd think the streets were paved with gold.
Jasper: They are.
 • Rating: Unrated

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