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Charlie: Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
Alan: Charlie!!!
Charlie: In case someone gets sick...or bored

Alan: Jake's a sound sleeper.
Charlie: Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up. And I've had some real screamers at my place.

Alan: Jake's happy being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one I think he'd probably eat it by mistake

A bribable child is a controllable child


Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there!
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married

Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you

Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother.
Jake: You're mean to your mom all the ti..
Charlie: My mother can take it. My mother feeds on it.

Alan: Marriage is like skydiving. You have to jump out of the old plane...
Charlie: And get sucked into the old propeller.
Alan:...A propeller of love

Alan: Herb, you haven't touched your beer.
Herb: Oh, well I'm not too much of a drinker.
Charlie: So let's have a drinking game: Whenever Alan gives me a strange look, we all have a drink. [Alan stares at him]
Charlie: Whoops, let's just start it

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