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Two-and-a-half-men

In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony

Alan

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?

Alan [to Kandi on the phone]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?

No dogs in my house. Especially stolen dogs that are big enough to make me their bitch!

Charlie

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it: subpoenas

Charlie [to Jake]: If you really want to make some extra cash, I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do.
Berta: Oh, yeah, there's big money in that

Alan [on the phone]: Kandi, listen to me, our divorce doesn't have to be adversarial.
Jake [to Charlie]: Bet she doesn't know that word

Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up

Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money

Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!

Displaying all 10 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 4 Quotes

Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money

Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!

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