Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan [about Judith]: What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.

It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack

Charlie

Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that

Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole

Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short

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