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Alan: Name three things you would change about me
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address
Alan: Thank you
Charlie: Your voice, your face and again your address
Alan: Alright, alright
Charlie: Your haircut, your fruity little workbook and your address
Alan: Just needed three
Charlie: Come on, we're healing. Your cheapness, your smug arrogance, and your address

He farts at the dinner table, how much more comfortable do we want him to be?

Charlie [about Jake]

Alan: I don't want to go to sleep angry
Charlie: Try drinking more
Alan: What will that solve?
Charlie: Sobriety

Alan: It's because of you Jake doesn't want to come here anymore
Charlie: Great, tell me what I did so I can do it to you

Charlie: Get out
Alan: What are you talking about, this is my car
Charlie: I'll buy it from you, how much?
Alan: Are we talking blue book because I just put on a new tire?

Charlie: Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate?
Alan: I'm way ahead of you, i still have these left over from last Halloween

Alan: I have to go to the bathroom
Charlie: You should have peed when made that left turn like I did

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