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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie [about Kandi]: Congratulations, Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected... one marble

Alan: Boy am I thirsty.
Kandi: That's 'cause you sweat so much during sex.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Kandi: You have a boat?
Alan: No, sweetie, what I meant was...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, some of us don't want to hear about your little dinghy

Alan: What are you doing here?
Charlie: You know, I was asking myself the same thing. So I did a little research, and it turns out, it's my house!

Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin

Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]

With you, sex is kinda like going on space mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger. With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he'll get you there

Kandi [to Charlie]

Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised

Displaying all 7 quotes

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 19 Quotes

Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised

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