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Evelyn: Jake, do you want Grandmommy to teach you how to use chopsticks?
Alan: Don't confuse him. He just learned how to use a fork.
Jake: Real funny, Alan.

Linda: You are the best lover I have ever had.
Charlie: It's probably just the flawless technique and the big penis.

Berta: (sees Alan using Jake's iPod) Who's he listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good—reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band's called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: And I work for your family.

Charlie: You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
Linda: Oh, no, Charlie.
Charlie: I mean sure you can use me for sex, but God forbid we're out in public together.
Linda: That is not true.
Charlie: Let me remind you, it's the best sex you've ever had.
Linda: Oh, Charlie.
Charlie: Your words not mine.

Alan: Charlie, wake up! You need to see this.
Charlie: Can I throw up in it?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Well, then I don't need to see it.
Alan: Charlie, do you remember what you did last night?
Charlie: (looks at his tuxedo) Oh, damn it, did I get married?
Alan: Hardly. (shows Charlie the paper)
Charlie: Oh, you just know she's going to find some way to make this my fault.

Charlie: Hey.
Linda: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career. For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Well, yeah! Unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night, so my mother gave me what I assume was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.

Alan: Pretty flowers.
Charlie: Thanks
Alan: Want to stick them in something?

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