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Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penisBerta
- Permalink: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. ...
Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter
- Permalink: There's just one thing I don't understand. What's that, honey?...
Alan: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny!
Judith: And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you?
Alan: Hey! When the bar is only open nine months a decade you drink 'til you puke! ...and then you keep drinking!
- Permalink: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny! And yo...
Berta: You still have to go?
Charlie: Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood, in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy
- Permalink: You still have to go? Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't ...
Alan: They fired you for being pregnant?
Naomi: Yep! Being pregnant...and stealing a few office supplies.
Berta: Eight computers and a Xerox machine.
Naomi: Not all at once!
- Permalink: They fired you for being pregnant? Yep! Being pregnant...and s...
Alan: So, you know what the baby is?
Naomi: Well, I'm hoping for human.
Alan: Uh, no, no. I meant boy or girl?
- Permalink: So, you know what the baby is? Well, I'm hoping for human. U...
Bertha: Come on here, zippy!
Alan [to Naomi]: Zippy is a name she calls me because I'm... quick! [to Berta]: What?!
Bertha: What do you think you are doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility! I want her to make some money from a dignified job.
Alan: Oh, please, what dignity can a woman have from making laundry and cleaning toilets? ...I...I...I'll tell you what dignity! One really good one, the best there is. I take my hat off, and goodnight
- Permalink: Come on here, zippy! What?! What do you think you are doing?...
Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: Okay, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head
- Permalink: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I don't know if it was hormo...