Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men "Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids" Quotes

Alan: (To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (Referring to Courtney) So Teddy, what's the deal? All this time you've been hiding this beautiful woman from us.
Teddy: Only from you, Charlie.
 • Rating: Unrated

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else.
 • Rating: Unrated

Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what the say about assuming. When you assume, you're just a bitch.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [on the phone with Courtney]: Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?
 • Rating: Unrated

Courtney: Right now it's all wet, soapy, just waiting for you.
Charlie: Are we still talking about a car?
Courtney: What do you think?
Charlie: I think I should probably get out before I set off the airbag.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.
 • Rating: Unrated

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