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Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites
- Permalink: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anythi...
Doctor: You're a doctor?
Alan: I'm a chiropractor.
Doctor: Then... no
- Permalink: You're a doctor? I'm a chiropractor. Then... no
Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig
- Permalink: Here, this is for you. Um, thank you? And I didn't get you any...
Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
- Permalink: I'll talk to him. Well, while you're at it, you may want to me...
Charlie [having back pain]: Alan, you're a chiropractor... do something.
Alan: Really, you want MY help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it.. "urban voodoo"?
Charlie: I'm sorry. Now help me.
Alan: Ok, ok... we'll see what we can do. [begins doing voodoo dance] Hoomala, hoomala, hoomala...
- Permalink: Alan, you're a chiropractor... do something. Really, you want ...
Charlie [in pain on the floor]: New planâ€”I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a coupla calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine. Mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. I just want it to go away
- Permalink: New planâ€”I need someone who can give me drugs. I'm not holdi...