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Two-and-a-half-men

Walden: Why do you need a chiropractor?
Berta: I have a big date on Valentine's Day, and if it goes all well, I will need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

You name a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.

Tammy

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
.
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

Tammy: I do not want to be the cause of any estrangement between you and your father.
Jake: To be fair, my father was already "estrange" before you met him.

Your brother treated women like rental cars; after you are down with them, it is someone's job to clean them and hose them down.

Berta

Walden: Why did she leave you..?
Billy: She said I was condescending, inconsiderate, and I looked like a lesbian art teacher.

Please, the only way you could ever satisfy three women, is if they were all cannibals.

Walden

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

Britte: Alan, the big billionaire has a jet.
Alan: It slipped out when they were running away from me.

Kate: This whole time, I thought he was the douche, but turns out, you are the douche.
Alan: Unbelievable! She likes me.

My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.

Walden

You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Walden
Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 1283 in total

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Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka

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