Walden: Why do you need a chiropractor?
Berta: I have a big date on Valentine's Day, and if it goes all well, I will need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

You name a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.


Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

Tammy: I do not want to be the cause of any estrangement between you and your father.
Jake: To be fair, my father was already "estrange" before you met him.

Your brother treated women like rental cars; after you are down with them, it is someone's job to clean them and hose them down.


Walden: Why did she leave you..?
Billy: She said I was condescending, inconsiderate, and I looked like a lesbian art teacher.

Please, the only way you could ever satisfy three women, is if they were all cannibals.


Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

Britte: Alan, the big billionaire has a jet.
Alan: It slipped out when they were running away from me.

Kate: This whole time, I thought he was the douche, but turns out, you are the douche.
Alan: Unbelievable! She likes me.

My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.


You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.


Two and a Half Men Quotes

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.