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Two-and-a-half-men

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.

Bridget: Seems like we both $1,000 to sleep with people we already know. 

Walden: Wait. You paid $1,000? I paid $2,000.

Bridget: Seems like you got screwed more than once today.

Walden: I am a failure
.
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.

I am the CEO of a pharmaceutical company, so every time you get an erection, you owe me 10 dollars. See, sense of humor.

Sylvia

Hi, I want to book your Presidential suite. How much? Mm-hmm, okay. Do you have a Secretary of Agriculture suite?

Alan

Lynsdey: How are you doing?
Alan: I am high, humiliated and hairless.

Walden: Why do you need a chiropractor?
Berta: I have a big date on Valentine's Day, and if it goes all well, I will need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

You name a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.

Tammy

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
.
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

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