Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes (Page 3)

Season 10 Episode 11: "Give Santa a Tail-Hole"

Jake: I am spending Christmas with Tammy Sue and her three children, and I get to play Santa and also their various fathers.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 10: "One Nut Johnson"

Alan: Godspeed, Sam Wilson.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: How long do you think you can keep living here rent-free...?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: How long do you think you can keep up this Prince and Pauper charade...?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Come on Sam, time is money and you are out of both.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: If I were a struggling, broke-ass guy, what will my name be...? Keep in mind, Alan Harper is already taken.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 9: "I Scream When I Pee"

Berta: There are better things I am more interested in than my birthday...
Alan: You would not believe what happened to me today!!!
Berta: I stand corrected.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: I love you Berta.
Berta: You are one sentimental little taco.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 8: "Something My Gynocologist Said"

Alan: The only thing I got from the truck driver was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.
Walden: I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of once for a change, but look who I am talking to.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Just for the record, he gets paid to go down there. I do it for the love of the game.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 10 Episode 7: "Avoid the Chinese Mustard"

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?
 • Rating: Unrated

Whitney: Wow, that is a lot of zeros. So are you really a genius and philanthropist?
Walden: Yes, I also fight crime.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: What are you doing here? No one goes to libraries anymore.
Whitney: It is the only place where I can go where strange men do not hit on me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 6: "Ferrets, Attack!"

Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 5: "That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam"

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.
 • Rating: Unrated

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