Two and a Half Men Quotes
Walden: You will be surprised what happens to a guy when money is tight.
Alan: Please, I have been so desperate, I have climbed into fountains at night and stolen the wishes of little children.
Walden: So you get it.
Alan: You came back for me, you love me.
Berta: I pity you.
Nick: You remind me of a younger me, except taller and much better looking and also straight.
Walden: Where is this going?
Nick: Apparently nowhere
Alan: How did you meet this woman?
Jake: I play softball with her parole office
I am spending Christmas with Tammy Sue and her three children, and I get to play Santa and also their various fathers.
Jake
Godspeed, Sam Wilson.
Alan
How long do you think you can keep living here rent-free...?
Walden
How long do you think you can keep up this Prince and Pauper charade...?
Alan
Come on Sam, time is money and you are out of both.
Alan
If I were a struggling, broke-ass guy, what will my name be...? Keep in mind, Alan Harper is already taken.
Walden
Berta: There are better things I am more interested in than my birthday...
Alan: You would not believe what happened to me today!!!
Berta: I stand corrected.
Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?
