Walden: You will be surprised what happens to a guy when money is tight.
Alan: Please, I have been so desperate, I have climbed into fountains at night and stolen the wishes of little children.
Walden: So you get it.

Alan: You came back for me, you love me.
Berta: I pity you.

Nick: You remind me of a younger me, except taller and much better looking and also straight.
Walden: Where is this going?
Nick: Apparently nowhere

Alan: How did you meet this woman?
Jake: I play softball with her parole office

I am spending Christmas with Tammy Sue and her three children, and I get to play Santa and also their various fathers.

Jake

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

Alan

How long do you think you can keep living here rent-free...?

Walden

How long do you think you can keep up this Prince and Pauper charade...?

Alan

Come on Sam, time is money and you are out of both.

Alan

If I were a struggling, broke-ass guy, what will my name be...? Keep in mind, Alan Harper is already taken.

Walden

Berta: There are better things I am more interested in than my birthday...
Alan: You would not believe what happened to me today!!!
Berta: I stand corrected.

Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.