Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes (Page 2)

Season 10 Episode 17: "Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries"

Walden: I am a failure
.
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.
 • Rating: Unrated

Sylvia: I am the CEO of a pharmaceutical company, so every time you get an erection, you owe me 10 dollars. See, sense of humor.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 16: "Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby"

Alan: Hi, I want to book your Presidential suite. How much? Mm-hmm, okay. Do you have a Secretary of Agriculture suite?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lynsdey: How are you doing?
Alan: I am high, humiliated and hairless.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Why do you need a chiropractor?
Berta: I have a big date on Valentine's Day, and if it goes all well, I will need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 15: "Paint It, Pierce It, or Plug It"

Tammy: You name a body part, I can paint it, pierce it or plug it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
.
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Tammy: I do not want to be the cause of any estrangement between you and your father.
Jake: To be fair, my father was already "estrange" before you met him.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 14: "Run, Steven Staven! Run!"

Berta: Your brother treated women like rental cars; after you are down with them, it is someone's job to clean them and hose them down.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Why did she leave you..?
Billy: She said I was condescending, inconsiderate, and I looked like a lesbian art teacher.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: Please, the only way you could ever satisfy three women, is if they were all cannibals.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 10 Episode 13: "Grab a Feather and Get in Line"

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Britte: Alan, the big billionaire has a jet.
Alan: It slipped out when they were running away from me.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Kate: This whole time, I thought he was the douche, but turns out, you are the douche.
Alan: Unbelievable! She likes me.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Walden: My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 10 Episode 12: "Welcome to Alancrest"

Walden: You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: You will be surprised what happens to a guy when money is tight.
Alan: Please, I have been so desperate, I have climbed into fountains at night and stolen the wishes of little children.
Walden: So you get it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 10 Episode 11: "Give Santa a Tail-Hole"

Alan: You came back for me, you love me.
Berta: I pity you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Nick: You remind me of a younger me, except taller and much better looking and also straight.
Walden: Where is this going?
Nick: Apparently nowhere
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: How did you meet this woman?
Jake: I play softball with her parole office
 • Rating: Unrated

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