Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes (Page 2)

Episode 6: "Those Fancy Japanese Toilets"

Evelyn: You really should get that boy a unicycle and bowling pins.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Jake: We have to get rid of Walden. He's got to go.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: You know if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.
Megan: I'd wait for him.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Jake: I bet you shower every day.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Alan: It's a miracle I'm not a transexual on Dancing With the Stars.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Episode 6: "The Squat and Hover"

Dani: If you're not gay, whats the deal with Alan?
Walden: He claims to be straight, but his lips opened a little when I kissed him.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Dr. Freeman: Cured is one of those lamen terms psychiatrists try to avoid. It's bad for business.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: If I had hope in one hand and poop in the other, guess which one would be full?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Episode 5: "Giant Cat Holding Churro"

Alan: I may love broadway musicals, and have a keen eye for fashion, but that's where it ends.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lyndsey: You feel like an idiot? That casting agent said he could get me on Melrose Place.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Walden: If I weren't here, would you be masturbating?
Alan: Are you kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Alcohol is just a bandage for the problem. I know this because I used to live with the mummy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lyndsey: I'm so full it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Alan: Can we please not call it a pin?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Episode 3: "Big Girls Don't Throw Dog Food"

Alan: The only reason to wear a hat on a date is to cover a bald spot.
Walden: Here you go, for your next date.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: How do I look?
Alan: Your face should be on gay money.
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Alan: Remember, at grandma's we have to pee while sitting down so you don't get splatter anywhere.
Jake: I'll manage and that's how you pee anyway.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: This guy is like genital herpes. once you got him, you get him for life.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Episode 2: "People Who Love Peepholes"

Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

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