Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend.
Jake: It is good to be back.

Walden: I hope you guys know that this is not your home.

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Herb: Have a drink.

Walden: I don't think I can.
Herb: Come on, I did not fix those nuts, so you could grow a vagina.

Walden: That was the most pain I have experienced in a long time.

Alan: Says the only one in this room that was not married to Judith.

If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.

Jake

Alan: You know what the problem is? Walden does not appreciate anything I bring to the party.
Lyndsey: I have never seen you bring anything to a party, except a Ziploc bag to steal the shrimp.

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.

Bridget: Seems like we both $1,000 to sleep with people we already know. 

Walden: Wait. You paid $1,000? I paid $2,000.

Bridget: Seems like you got screwed more than once today.

Walden: I am a failure
.
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.

I am the CEO of a pharmaceutical company, so every time you get an erection, you owe me 10 dollars. See, sense of humor.

Sylvia

Hi, I want to book your Presidential suite. How much? Mm-hmm, okay. Do you have a Secretary of Agriculture suite?

Alan

Lynsdey: How are you doing?
Alan: I am high, humiliated and hairless.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 1283 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.