Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: What do you want?
Berta: A motorcycle and another night with Neil Diamond.

Tammy: I have failed as a parent.

Walden: It is not that bad..
Tammy: Somehow, my daughter has narrowed her choices to a 19-year old who needs to ask the Wizard for the brain and a sleazy car salesman who barely missed a Dateline special.

Jake: Hey, she hit me with the wall of respect.

Tammy: And you slept with my daughter.

Jake: So we will call it even?

Alan: What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend.
Jake: It is good to be back.

Walden: I hope you guys know that this is not your home.

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Herb: Have a drink.

Walden: I don't think I can.
Herb: Come on, I did not fix those nuts, so you could grow a vagina.

Walden: That was the most pain I have experienced in a long time.

Alan: Says the only one in this room that was not married to Judith.

If there was a freeloader's Hall of Fame, my dad will be living in it... for free.

Jake

Alan: You know what the problem is? Walden does not appreciate anything I bring to the party.
Lyndsey: I have never seen you bring anything to a party, except a Ziploc bag to steal the shrimp.

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