Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes
Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't
Alan [about Jake's homework]: Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!
Berta: There you go, Elvis, peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?
Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid
Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination
Rose [about Sherri]: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good
Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.
Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers
Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn [to Charlie]: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful
Jake: I think you should have gotten a car like Greg's.
Charlie: Okay, do yourself a favor and stop worshipping this dude. There's already a guy in your life who's worth looking up to and modeling yourself after.
Jake: Dad?
Charlie: ...okay, two guys
Jake: I still don't understand why my mom had to break up with Greg.
Charlie: Well, it could have been worse. She could have married him and then broken up with him. When I was your age, I was already on my third stepfather, and I kind of liked the second one