Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!

Charlie: I'm an artist; I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush; you paint with vomit.

You know what's a good book? Under the Dining Room Table, by Richard Gobbler.

Charlie

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah?
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has Pay-Per-View adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?

Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.

Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.

You may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

Jake

Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!

Miss Pasternak: You miserable son of a bitch: I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body. And you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage.
Charlie: Yeah, my bad.

Miss Pasternak: Charlie Harper?
Charlie: (looking around) Where? He owes me money!

(Charlie and Delores are praying)
Charlie: Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time.
Delores: Shh.
Charlie: Just saying.

Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 70 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!

You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend

Charlie
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