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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.

I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.

Jake

She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd be like going to the bathroom on Pinocchio's mouth.

Charlie

Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!

You know what's a good book? Under the Dining Room Table, by Richard Gobbler.

Charlie

Charlie: I'm an artist; I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush; you paint with vomit.

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah?
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has Pay-Per-View adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?

You may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

Jake

Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.

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