Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 6 Episode 19: "The Two Finger Rule"

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: Do you want to explain to me why this woman is sending naked pictures of herself?
Charlie: I'd love to explain it
Chelse: ... go ahead
Charlie: I said I'd love to, I didn't say I could
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 18: "My Son's Enormous Head"

Berta: Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: I love you
Charlie: Great
Chelsea: Aren't you gonna say it back?
Charlie: I'm gonna go pan for cat turds. If that doesn't say "I love you," nothing does
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie [about sick Chelsea]: I should have known, the second you give them a ring, they fall out of warranty
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: As soon as I get my license I'm so out of here
Alan: Sure, and you can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree
Jake: At least I have a girlfriend
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 15: "I'd Like to Start with the Cat"

Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple.
Jake: Not funny, Dad.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 14: "David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie"

Alan: You know we don't have to go out to dinner just because it's my birthday.
Melissa: Don't be silly. This is a very special night. How many times do you turn forty?
Alan: In my family, three or four.
Melissa: Well, the first one is the one that counts.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 13: "I Think You Offended Don"

Charlie: (to Alan) All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So, the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 12: "Thank God For Scoliosis"

(After Janine goes into the kitchen)
Charlie: You don't know who you're messing with.
Jake: (yelling loudly) Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous! (then slaps his hands together to make her think Charlie's hitting him) OW!! OW!!! (smugly) You don't know who you're messing with.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Listen, Janine. Thanks for everything, but I should probably get this little guy home and come back. It's way past his bedtime.
Jake: What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.
Charlie: What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?
Jake: What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 11: "The Devil's Lube"

Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: What can I say about Charlie? So many words come to mind, but so few that you can say in church. But we'll give it a shot. Charlie was a man of love. He loved his friends, he loved his family, but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway this was a man that was so full of love that it would actually ooze out of him, at which point he would see a doctor. But I kid the deceased whoremonger.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 10: "He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited"

Jake: A lot of great discoveries were accidents, like Thomas Edison and the telephone.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Jake: I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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