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Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.
- Permalink: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had. I'm hopin...
Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.
- Permalink: It feels like I have known all my life. I know the feeling. Y...
Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
- Permalink: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax ...
[Melissa]'s actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?Charlie
- Permalink: 's actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?
(to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.Charlie
- Permalink: Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.
- Permalink: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2. Only you could ga...
Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.
- Permalink: Cooking for Dummies. No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking fo...
Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
- Permalink: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go...
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
- Permalink: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him. First job? I...
Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
- Permalink: Hey, are you alright? No, I'm not. What's going on? One&md...
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
- Permalink: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is. Hey, Dad,...
(talking about condoms)
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?
- Permalink: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's alw...