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Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.

Miss Pasternak: You miserable son of a bitch: I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body. And you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage.
Charlie: Yeah, my bad.

Miss Pasternak: Charlie Harper?
Charlie: (looking around) Where? He owes me money!

Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!

(Charlie and Delores are praying)
Charlie: Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time.
Delores: Shh.
Charlie: Just saying.

Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.

Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.

Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?

[Melissa]'s actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?

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