Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.

Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.

Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?

[Melissa]'s actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?

Charlie

(to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.

Charlie

Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.

Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.

Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!

(talking about condoms)
Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.
Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?
Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.
Charlie: They don't?
Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 70 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes

Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!

You know when dogs are sick they hide until they feel better.. probably why they're man's best friend

Charlie