Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes (Page 3)

Season 6 Episode 10: "He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited"

Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 8: "Pinocchio's Mouth"

Charlie: She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It'd be like going to the bathroom on Pinocchio's mouth.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 7: "Best H.O. Money Can Buy"

Charlie: I'm an artist; I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush; you paint with vomit.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You know what's a good book? Under the Dining Room Table, by Richard Gobbler.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 6: "It's Always Nazi Week"

Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Jake: You may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah?
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has Pay-Per-View adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 5: "A Jock Strap In Hell"

Miss Pasternak: You miserable son of a bitch: I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body. And you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage.
Charlie: Yeah, my bad.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Charlie and Delores are praying)
Charlie: Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time.
Delores: Shh.
Charlie: Just saying.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!
 • Rating: Unrated

Miss Pasternak: Charlie Harper?
Charlie: (looking around) Where? He owes me money!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 4: "The Flavin' And The Mavin"

Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: [Melissa]'s actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 3: "Damn You, Eggs Benedict"

Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: (to Jake) Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose some brain cells.
 • Rating: Unrated

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