Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 6 Quotes

Season 6 Episode 24: "Baseball with Better Steroids"

Chelsea: So you could see yourself having kids one day?
Charlie: I don't see why not. It turns out I like babies and, as you know, I'm a long time fan of intercourse
 • Rating: Unrated

Herb: Slipping in Judith's amniotic fluids. This will be funny one day
Charlie: It's pretty funny right now, Herb
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me
 • Rating: 3.7 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 23: "Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth"

Charlie: Thanks for being such a good friend to Chelsea
Alan: You don't have to thank me. I like her and we have a lot in common
Charlie: Yeah, whatever. Just keep it up and I'll try and do the same

 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [about Alan and Chelsea becoming friends]: This is the perfect set up for you
Charlie: How do you figure?
Berta: Do you like to go shopping?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to watch chick flicks?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Zippy do
Charlie: Oh right...
Berta: He digs the trench, you lay the pipe
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 22: "Sir Lancelot's Litter Box"

Charlie: Please tell me that's one of those zen sand gardens
Chelsea: You know very well that's Sir lancelot's litter box
Charlie: You brought the cat?
Chelsea: Of course I brought the cat. What did you think I was going to do with him?
Charlie: I don't know, return him to the wild?
Chelsea: You're being ridiculous
Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Okay you and me need to talk
Charlie: I know I know. you didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough you have to put up with zippy and the chip
Berta: No, I like her better than you so for now on I'm working for her
Charlie: What?
Berta: You need something? You ask her, she talks to me, we decide
Charlie: I don't get vote?
Berta: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote our of three. Good luck with that
 • Rating: Unrated

Chelsea: I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and we're not living together
Charlie: Well excuse me for being old fashioned. I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No no, it's not the sin I object to, it's the living in it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 21: "Above Exalted Cyclops"

Berta: Boy, take one day off for a poker tournament, you miss a whole lot around here.
Charlie: You said you were sick.
Berta: I was healed, it's a miracle!
 • Rating: Unrated

Rose: This is a side of Alan Harper I've never seen before -- forceful, confident
Alan: Oh, thank you
Rose: I don't like it
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: We need to talk about boundaries
Rose: It was just my pinky, Alan
Alan: No, that was fun
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Waiter: ..and for you sir?
Alan: Whiskey, neat
Charlie: Since when did you drink hard liquor?
Alan: Since right now. I'd order crack if it was on the menu
Waiter: True dat
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea [about Rose]: Fun personality right?
Alan: Unfortunately she six more of them
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [getting ready for double date]: How do I look?
Charlie: Don't open that can of worms, you are what you are
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 20: "Hello, I'm Alan Cousteau"

Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Chelsea: Charlie..
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: What's wrong with me having a warm and a healthy relationship with your mother?
Charlie: For starters, you'll be the only one... ever!
Chelsea: Oh, don't be so dramatic
Charlie: I should be wearing tights and holding a skull... preferably hers
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chelsea: You didn't tell your mom we were engaged?
Charlie: If she didn't sell me the house, she wouldn't know where I lived
 • Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 19: "The Two Finger Rule"

Jerome: So how do you know Charlie and Alan?
Herb: I married Alan's ex-wife
Jerome: No kidding.. and you two hang out?
Herb and Aln: yeah, sure
Jerome: Wow, I couldn't be friends with the man that's putting it to my ex
Herb: Well to be fair that hasn't been a lot of putting lately
Alan: ...and after the baby there'll be even less
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, but she'll interrupt you when you're touching yourself
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I'm gonna go pick up Jake at his mothers
Charlie: Oh good. Just what we need to brighten up our weekend. A large, sullen teenager with gas and questionable hygiene
Alan: There's nothing questionable about it
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Chelsea]: So you're just going to sit here and wait till she comes crawling over?
Charlie: Yes I am...and then since hell has long since frozen over, we can go ice skating
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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