Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

You just think you know everything don't you? You're just like a black woman in hindsight.

Call me the "Paw." That's what I go by now.

Brian: Good morning everyone!
Lois: Ah crap, he's in love again.

Brian: Uh no... uh I'm going to meet Jenny's cats.
Peter: What are you talking about? You hate cats.
Brian (gritting his teeth): I'm... going... to... meet... her cats...

Lois, I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in. But can I hump your legs for 15 uninterrupted seconds?

Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside... but it's important that you know your limitations.

Brian: Ah, it's a period joke!
Peter: Ah, it's a period period joke!

Stewie: Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?
Brian: Um, uh, from Katrina?

Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show... you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Brian: Oh, my God. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the world!
Savage: That's all I ever wanted to be known for.
Lois: Is it okay if we run this story instead?
Savage: Sure thing!
Daniel Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] It was just then that I knew that things were finally going my...
Savage: [angrily] I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!

Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.
Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.
Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? Little four minute movie that tells the story of a...
Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)