Meg: Oh my god that's so disturbing.
Chris: I know, gross!
Brian: Yeah, my hearing's a lot better so I hear like, suction and stuff.

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

Brian: Alright, very funny, Stewie. You replaced my Jack Daniel's with flat Diet Coke.
Stewie: No I didn't! And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk?

Stewie: Ah, look at this, she's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things.
Brian: Yeah, like she could ever write "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
Stewie: "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" was not written by Virginia Woolf.
Brian: Yeah, obviously, but y'know, it's pretty much about her.
Stewie: It really isn't, Brian.

Come on math, you dick.

I don't care what it takes, we have got to fix this. We just ate so much vomit!

Stewie: Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?
Brian: I don't know man, I saw Meg leaving a minute ago going "mwuhahahahaha" but I don't know.

I guess you can call me the Man of La Muncha.

Brian: Better luck next time pal, some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.
Caveman 1: You. Me. Sex.
Caveman 2: Him legend.

Brian: What do you want to do for 20 minutes?
Stewie: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna work out. That's how you stay in shape. Just fit it in when you have free time Wherever you are, wherever you can...there's semen on this floor.

Brian: You're the only one who's got the knowhow and the technology to help us track her down.
Stewie: Interesting. Last week, all my gadgets were, hooey I think was the word.
Brian: I didn't say...
Stewie: I SAID HOOEY!

Stewie: So, I've always been about world domination. What the hell do you think I was talking about when I said "Victory shall be mine!"
Brian: You have not said that in a very long time.
Stewie: Well, I'm back on it.

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)