South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Cartman: Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle: No, but I get Channukah presents for eight days.
Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Cartman: How bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch," in D-minor?
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Who knows what a can food drive is?
Cartman: Isn't that where they cut open a chick's stomach to get the baby out?
Mr. Garrison: No, that's a caesarian section, Eric, but remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.
Then maybe they should die and decrease the surplus population!
Cartman: Well let's go home and start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Hey! My mom said she was young, and needed the money!
Kyle: Cartman, those photos were taken, like, last month!
Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Cartman: Where is Kyle?
Stan: He'll be here any minute... I bet I'll get more candy than you
Cartman: No way, dude; I'm the candy master!
Stan: No, you're the ass master; there's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who spent all day dressing up like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: Goddammit, my mom is NOT on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Kyle: (sees Stan's costume and laughs) You look like a pansy!
Stan: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Why did you dress up like Raggedy Andy for?
Stan: Wendy's coming to school dressed up like Raggedy Ann, so that way, we'll win the costume contest as a pair.
Kyle: No way, dude; I'm going to win the contest with my sweet Chewbacca costume.
(Cartman shows up at the bus stop.)
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. (imitates Adolf Hitler)
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it. Isn't it cool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: What're you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?
Stan: No. I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Oh, you look pretty cool...
(Cartman and Kyle both laugh.)
Kyle: (to Stan) Sissy!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbit's all pissed off!
Stan: Oh, look, Kennny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Why is your family so poor, Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
(Kyle, Stan and Cartman laugh; Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said: Your family had to put up a cardboard box for a second mortgage! Hear that? I'm talkin' to you, Kenny! Come on! Poor piece of crap.
Cartman: Hey, all of a sudden, my costume is pretty bad-ass, huh?
Kyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT bad-ass!
Cartman: You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman: (mimicking Kyle) Wookies don't live in Endor!
Kyle: Well, At least my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!
Cartman: What?? What did you say?
