South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Cartman: (in his Scuzzlebutt costume) I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg!
Ned: What is it?
Kyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman WASN'T lying!
Jimbo: Holy smoke! We can make a mint killing this thing!
Ned: We'll be on the cover of "Guns and Ammo".
Jimbo: This calls for some HJ-14...
Cartman: (chuckles) Those guys are totally scared...
Jimbo: Fire in the hole! (fires two missiles)
Cartman: Holy crap! (dodges the two missiles)
Jimbo: Damn it! I think I missed!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?! (runs away)
Jimbo: Come on, let's move! Move!
Kyle: Dude I don't understand hunting at all.
Stan: Yeah, it's stupid, let's go watch cartoons.
Cartman: Ya! Cartoons kick ass.
Cartman: Hey, you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Have you guys ever heard of (slyly) Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: What-butt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb at the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed like how?
Cartman: Well... On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook?
Kyle: A knife!
Cartman: No. A piece of celery...
Stan: Celery??
Cartman: Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy?! Damn it, Cartman! That's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"?? (continues) Anyway, he lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... (imitates weaving sounds)
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories!
Kyle: Yeah! Give me that flashlight!
Stan: That's impossible! Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!
Stan: What's that stuff?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Stan: Super fat ass?
Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Dophins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-lovin' hippy crap!
Mr. Garrison: I'm just sorry I ruined everyone's chances to be on TV.
Kyle: Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway!
Mr. Garrison: Really? On what?
Geraldo: Obesity, anaposity, corpulence. Whatever word you use, it still represents one thing. Being a big fat ass. We have now, live via satellite, Eric Cartman, who is now so obese he can't even leave his bedroom.
Cartman: When is this gonna be on the air?
Geraldo: Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home?
Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can achieve your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!!
Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?
Stan: Holy crap! Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school today.
Kyle: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (muffled) Maybe you can touch her pussy.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Stan: Oh, hey, Cartman.
Cartman: You guys, I just had the strangest dream...
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman; that really happened!
Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you DO have pinkeye!
Cartman: Ah! Son of a bitch!
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah. Go home, you little dildo.
Kyle: What?! Dude! Don't call my little brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know... But I'll bet Cartman doesn't know what it means!
Cartman: I do TOO know what it means!
Kyle: Okay, then... What?
Cartman: I'm not telling you...
