South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralEric Cartman Quotes
Kyle: Hey, dudes.
Stan: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Tazer?
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off. v
Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
(Zombie Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said, your dad would be a millionaire, Kenny! Kenny?! Your family is poor, Kenny! Hey, your family's poor!
(Zombie Kenny still doesn't respond)
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore; he just doesn't communicate.
Stan, Cartman and Kyle: Trick or treat?!
Old Lady: Oh, how cute.
(Kenny bites her arm)
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Old Lady: Oh, my god! Call 911!
Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Trick or... (they scream as they see Chef hold up two chainsaws in front of them)
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Chef! It's us!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children; I thought you were one of them!
Cartman: Can we have some candy now?
Chef: (referring to Cartman's "ghost" costume) Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?!
Cartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you. [
Grandpa: What about you? You can kill me, can't you?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact?? Well, let me tell you something, porky! Your mom was over here earlier today, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman: What?!
Grandpa: That's right!
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too!
Cartman: (angered) Eh...
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma was...
Cartman: YOU PIECE OF CRAP; I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby!
Stan: (pulling Cartman away) C'mon, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: (getting dragged away) Don't you EVER talk about my mom like that again!
Grandpa: Did I ever tell you about the time I boffed your dad, fatso??
Cartman: If a girl pulled that with me I'd be like: "Yo! Why don't you start dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you while you go smoke crack and have sex with some guy in my dad's bed"!
Kyle: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying Stan's a wuss is all.
Stan: What is that?
Kyle: That's my new pet elephant. He was supposed to come in from Africa in 46 weeks, but it only took 3 weeks.
Stan: That's cool!
Kyle: No it's not! My mom doesn't let him in because his poop is bigger than the couch.
Cartman: My mom got me a pot-bellied pig, because its poop is small.
Cartman: Why don't you go back to San Fransisco with the rest of the Jews?
Kyle: There aren't any Jews in San Fransisco, retard!
Stan: That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!
Cartman: Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan: Sparky, bad dog!
Cartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?
Mr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people.
Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
Jimbo: Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.
Stan: My uncle Jimbo says after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!
Kyle: Wow! That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
