Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Peter Griffin Quotes
Peter: Does he have maybe a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe: Well, yes, but she's only 12.
Peter: Like a young 12 or a "she eats a lot of milk product so she got her boos early" 12? Which is a real thing by the way.
Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smuckers.
Peter: Keep it up Lois and I might fire you.
Lois: You wouldn't.
Peter: Does the name, Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?
Lois: Okay, I'll behave.
Peter: Yes, you will.
Brian: I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone that is psychic and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzz words, anyone can appear to be psychic, even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: Wow. I used to have a watch that broke!
Brian: You see just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh my god, awesome. I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: You don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.
Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th Century. Why don't they get with the freakin' program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
(the boss then hands Peter a note)
Peter: Well, it appears I've been fired. Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you something: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! F**k you! Diane?
Girl: Hi! Would you be offended if I told you that your prose suggests a male, working class version of Emily Berate?
Peter: No. Would you be offended if I said I'd like to use your ass as a bongo drum?
Girl: Yes
Peter: Well then we....are on two....different....wavelengths.
Salesman: WOAH! Have you lost weight?
Peter: No, its still there, I'm just partin' it on the side
Guard: Excuse me sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Peter: That's not a van! That's my son
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do... You bastard
Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint: it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.
Paul Reiser: So what's the deal with airline food? Is this stuff bad or what?
Peter: Aw, that's not nice; those chefs work really hard.
Reiser: And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere.
Peter: Uhh...a lotta people want coffee; that's supply and demand, it's the foundation of our entire economy Paul...
Reiser: And who do I talk to about those long lines at the atm? That's what I wanna know.
Peter Not me, Mr. Reiser. Someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.
Peter: But Dad, you told me to look into my heart to find my religion.
Francis: Yes, real religion! What I saw today wasn't religion, it was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales.
Brian: Actually, that is religion.
