South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralStan Marsh Quotes
Stan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle: No, but I get Channukah presents for eight days.
Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. Well, neither can I.
Cartman: Well let's go home and start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Hey! My mom said she was young, and needed the money!
Kyle: Cartman, those photos were taken, like, last month!
Cartman: Where is Kyle?
Stan: He'll be here any minute... I bet I'll get more candy than you
Cartman: No way, dude; I'm the candy master!
Stan: No, you're the ass master; there's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who spent all day dressing up like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: Goddammit, my mom is NOT on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Kyle: He was too young to be taken away from us.
Stan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw!
Kyle: (sees Stan's costume and laughs) You look like a pansy!
Stan: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Why did you dress up like Raggedy Andy for?
Stan: Wendy's coming to school dressed up like Raggedy Ann, so that way, we'll win the costume contest as a pair.
Kyle: No way, dude; I'm going to win the contest with my sweet Chewbacca costume.
(Cartman shows up at the bus stop.)
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. (imitates Adolf Hitler)
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it. Isn't it cool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: What're you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?
Stan: No. I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Oh, you look pretty cool...
(Cartman and Kyle both laugh.)
Kyle: (to Stan) Sissy!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbit's all pissed off!
Stan: Oh, look, Kennny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Why is your family so poor, Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
(Kyle, Stan and Cartman laugh; Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said: Your family had to put up a cardboard box for a second mortgage! Hear that? I'm talkin' to you, Kenny! Come on! Poor piece of crap.
Kyle: Hey, dudes.
Stan: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Tazer?
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off. v
Stan, Cartman and Kyle: Trick or treat?!
Old Lady: Oh, how cute.
(Kenny bites her arm)
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Old Lady: Oh, my god! Call 911!
Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!
Stan: I learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes or candy. It's about being good to one another and giving and loving.
Kyle: No dude, that's Christmas.
Stan: Oh. Well then what's Halloween about?
kyle: Costumes and candy.
Stan: Oh yeah.
Stan: Jesus, what happens if someone really wants to die and you kill him?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.
Grandpa: What about you? You can kill me, can't you?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact?? Well, let me tell you something, porky! Your mom was over here earlier today, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman: What?!
Grandpa: That's right!
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too!
Cartman: (angered) Eh...
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma was...
Cartman: YOU PIECE OF CRAP; I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby!
Stan: (pulling Cartman away) C'mon, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: (getting dragged away) Don't you EVER talk about my mom like that again!
Grandpa: Did I ever tell you about the time I boffed your dad, fatso??
