Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXStewie Griffin Quotes
So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of "Stay fifty yards away at all times" don't you understand?
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.
Stewie: Brian, how many years have I been saying you and I should go berry picking?
Brian: A lot of years, Stewie.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every 100 years, in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian: Ah, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie: Well that's because you're...look!
Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.
Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.
Stewie: I got a job following fat people around with a tuba.
(cuts to scene of Stewie plays a funny beat while following a fat man)
Fat Man: Stop it!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: Cut it out!
(Stewie keeps playing)
Fat Man: I have a glandular problem!
(the fat man trips and Stewie makes a flatulence sound)
Stewie: That'll be sixty dollars.
You know Meg, female ballet dancers are famous for anorexia and bulimia, and uh... seems to work out for them. So, hintidy hint hint.
Instructor: Welcome to the Quahog maritime school Chris. Our curriculum consists of being on boats for long periods of time with men, just men, for many days at a time. Up on the deck with lots of men, or down in the galley with lots of men.
Chris: Is this some kind of pirate school?
Instructor: Well... a certain kind of pirate. Yes, we've been called that.
Chris: I don't know...
Stewie: Is there some kind of pre-school program?
Stewie: Well, we're not the first people to be dragged off against our will. (Cuts to scene with a Captain steering a ship filled with slaves.)
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No.
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: No!
Slave: Are we there yet?
Captain: Damn it! I swear to God I will turn this ship around!
Slaves: That works. Okay. That'll teach us a lesson. Yeah, that's even better.
Captain: Oh right, (starts turning ship) if that's what you... wait a minute!
Yes, I shall attend this institution. Perhaps one day I can be more powerful than King Friday. (Scene to where Stewie becomes King Friday.) I am the supreme ruler of the neighborhood of make believe. All will kneel before my... (Trolley comes by and rings bell.) Oh, come on! What kind of freaking king lives next to the tracks? What is this, Mexico?
(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom)
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.
Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
