Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXStewie Griffin Quotes
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)
(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..
Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)
Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
Jillian: Hi Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh dear God.
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!
Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
(Olivia begins to cry)
So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.
Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh ,uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh God Stewie come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah I would.
Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.
Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.
Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?Olivia: (reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine) Play-Doh spaghetti.Stewie: (pauses) Oh..Olivia: (stops making Play-Doh spaghetti) What?Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night (pauses) (under breathe, looking away) and that's all we had last night.Olivia: (angry) What does that mean?Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?Stewie: (angry) That's not the point, don't change the...it's a kind of cake..
(Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian)Stewie: (exhales) Sorry we're late everyone, but JonBent here took forever with her make-up.Olivia: Ah yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, (crosses her arms) but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.Stewie: (sarcastically) Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.
Stewie: (playing with his toys) I say, look at this, this toy has small parts, why the devil would they include small parts? Unless .. I'm supposed to eat them, of-course it all adds up.(Stewie bites the toy) Oww! (spitting his tooth out) Oh dear god, I've lost a tooth.
Chris: Dude you're lucky, if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will come and give you a dollar.
Stewie: (shocked) What?? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here, to our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
(camera pans to see Brian sitting at the table near Stewie)
Brian: Yeah, she creeps into your house at night, and comes into your room while you sleep.
Stewie: (shocked) Oh my god!
Brian: And sometimes, just for the hell of it, (turns to Stewie) she cuts off a piece of her arm-pit hair and places it gently on your tongue.
Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)
