Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXStewie Griffin Quotes
(referring to his toys) Alright men your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy. SpongeBob you watch the east, StarScream you take the west, and Man-E-Faces you take center patrol since you have, many faces.
Stewie: Oh, well let me ask you something. Does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what, why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So your saying she does not have an alibi.
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Ok, so we established she ain't got no alibi, she ugly, she ugly. (chants) U-G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi she ugly.
Brian: Screw off.
Stewie: M, she major ugly, O, she fat and pugly, O my god know the cow says moo.
Stewie: You hate MTV!
Brian: Pot helps.
Stewie: Alright Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh dammit, now I'm doing it too!
Stewie: What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Brian: Yep.
Stewie: Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it Brian?
Brian: It is.
Stewie: Can we play my mixtape?
Brian: Yeah, go ahead.
(Stewie puts in the mixtape and "Cars" by Gary Numan begins to play. Stewie sings to the beat)
Stewie: Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car.
(Brian shuts the tape off)
Stewie: Ohhhh, you're a poor sport.
Stewie: Say Jillian, I love what you've done with the place. What is it, one bedroom, one bath?
Jillian: No, it's a whole apartment.
Stewie: Late night, huh? What's her name Brian?
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: Oh spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside out collar. If I didn't recognize what was going on here, I'd have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.
(Flash to the retirement home)
Stewie: (singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Oh, there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Whoa-ho-ho, alright, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there's something else down there in the bottom of the sea, something that you'll be able to relate to.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a tube in the throat, of the elderly man, in the hospital bed, on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
Oh there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(A nurse wheels in a birthday cake on a cart)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Oh, whoa! What is this?
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
(Mr. Cowen falls to the floor)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Get a nurse.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea.
Stewie: I say Jillian this lemonade is delicious.
Jillian: I know! Its good right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it.
Stewie: What are you doing?
Brian: What does it look like? I'm leaving.
Stewie: You can't leave. That's desertion! They'll come after you like Peter came after that hockey coach! (Pause) No clip? Huh. Thought we had a clip.
Stewie: Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end?
Brian: Well I uh..
Stewie: NEVER, thats when! You need this Brian. You dropped out of college, you still haven't finished your novel, do you know what you lack? Discipline! You know where you'll get it? Right here in the Army!
(Stewie walks into the recruiters office)
Recruiter: Peggy would you send in the next- oh, you're already here. Say, aren't you a little young to join the Army?
Stewie: No, I have that...um...Webster disease. Hey, is that the M9 double action pistol?
Recruiter: Sure is, standard issue in the Army.
Stewie: Where do I sign?
Recruiter: Right here. Did I mention there's a hundred dollar bonus if you sign up a buddy?
Stewie: Really? Well I think I have a surprise for somebody. (Stewie signs up Brian too)
