Stewie: Boy this must be killing you. You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
Brain: I don't have to take this! I'm out of here. Can you let me out?

Well the fat man is never going to get back in time, and with him gone that makes you the man of the house.

Relax, Im sure Wycelf Jean got it all under control.

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

Oh, it's starting! I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.

Nothing like a day at the park, surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads.

Stewie: How long have you been there?
Chris: Long enough to know that you have herpes and do weird stuff with your teddy bear.
Stewie: HE does weird stuff; I just don't stop him.

You've got herpes, too? This house is like backstage at a Whitesnake concert.

Oh my god, look at you! You're more herpes than dog!

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)