First, I'd like to not thank you for hiring me, because I just expect good things to happen to me without working for them.

Hammer

Peter, that's the problem with kids today. They have no attention span.

Quagmire

I'm off to get you a job, a girlfriend, and onto the road less scummy.

Stewie

What the hell have you been complaining about?

Stewie

Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 250 pounds of lard up a ladder.

Brian

Brian: There was a time, not to long ago, when people would talk with each other.
Peter: Yeah, the bad time. The sucky ages.
Brian: Our society is doomed. People and technology are a bad match. Just like moms and Radiohead.

Peter: Lois, why is my son playing with a vacuum like a girl? Here. Play with this discus and javelin. Then you can grow up like a man like track and field star Bruce Jenner -- the greatest man in the world. Maybe you'll even end up on a box of Wheaties.
Stewie: Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em?

If God would have wanted women in the workplace he would have made them alcoholics.

Peter

Even in the 50s you're a scumbag.

Stewie

If you want to have fun with your girl try dancing. It's fun and good for your health.

Peter

For 60 years, Sundays have meant God, football and Family Guy. And later, to a lesser degree, The Simpsons.

Peter

Stewie: I can't believe you still want to invest in this. They use dog meat. How can you condone the eating of other dogs?
Brian: Oh, c'mon, Stewie, it's their way. Who are we to judge other cultures?

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)