Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

• Permalink: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would f...
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But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.

Quagmire

• Permalink: But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.
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After five minutes you think you know me?

Stewie

• Permalink: After five minutes you think you know me?
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Harrington: Hi I'm Darth Harrington of "Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base"! Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am now currently over-stocked on Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids and I am passing the savings on to yooouuuu!

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Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)

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Stewie: "Brian, is this our vacation?"
Brian: "Yea."
Stewie: "Oh...are we trash?"
Brian: "Kinda."

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The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended to you by the family, not a legality.

Peter

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Peter: I'm having an affair.
Lois: That's ridiculous.
Peter: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.

• Permalink: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.
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Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.

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Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.

Peter

• Permalink: Getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.
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Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.

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Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

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