Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
Peter: Alright Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.
Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
Peter: Okay yeah, but your character can walk.
Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.
Peter: Okay Chris, roll film. And, action! Joe, get outta the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (zaps Joe)
Joe: (While flying out of his chair) Ahhhhh!
Peter: Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talkin'.
Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?Olivia: (reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine) Play-Doh spaghetti.Stewie: (pauses) Oh..Olivia: (stops making Play-Doh spaghetti) What?Stewie: No, no, it's..it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night (pauses) (under breathe, looking away) and that's all we had last night.Olivia: (angry) What does that mean?Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?Stewie: (angry) That's not the point, don't change the...it's a kind of cake..
(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.
(about Vageena Hurts) ...but it was too late, and she died from an angry Hymen.
Peter
Lois: (excited) Oh my god, Sandra Oh, (nervous laugh) we loved you in Sideways.Sandra Oh: Thank you.Peter: (explanatory tone) WE SEE YOU IN MANY MOVIES. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHILE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. (pulls out one dollar bill) I THANK YOU WITH ONE DOLLAR. (turns to Lois) That's a lot of money to them.
(Stewie and Olivia arriving late to dinner with Brian and Jillian)Stewie: (exhales) Sorry we're late everyone, but JonBent here took forever with her make-up.Olivia: Ah yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheap-o here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheels, so we had to drive around the block six times till we could find a spot, (crosses her arms) but to his credit it's a great spot to get mugged.Stewie: (sarcastically) Oh wouldn't that be a shame, if they took all my money in both our wallets.
(referring to his toys) Alright men your mission tonight is to stave off the invading forces of the Tooth Fairy. SpongeBob you watch the east, StarScream you take the west, and Man-E-Faces you take center patrol since you have, many faces.
Stewie
Lois: Peter, do you know that they are not teaching sex-ed at Chris's school?
Peter: Eh, let em figure it out the way I had to. With a can of crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way Lois, that's the natural way.
(to drug addicts) There's a lot of ways for you guys to save money. For example, you're all shootin' up, why not share needles? That's a no brainer. More money in your wallet, more drugs in your veins. My second piece of advice, have as many kids as you can, 'cuz that makes it more likely that one of those kids'll grow up an make it big in Hollywood. Then who's payin' the bills huh? Hollywood Kid. Class dismissed.
Peter
Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smuckers.
Peter
Sure, sex is fun, but ya can't have it before you're married, even if you use a condom. Because not only do condoms fail one hundred percent of the time, they're also majorly unsafe. Hey, you wouldn't put a plastic bag over your grandmother's head would ya?
Rev. Kirkwood
Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)
