Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.
Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)
Stewie: I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie: Wow, wow, whoa, what was that?
Brian: Ahh I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was my father talking.
Stewie: You uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.
Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.
Peter
(To himself in the mirror) There we go, you are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
Brian
Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.
Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
Jillian: Hi Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh dear God.
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!
Oh, oh God! There is no ****ing drummer better than Neil Peart! (punches table) It ain't easy being cheesy.
</i> Chester Cheetah
Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
(Olivia begins to cry)
So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.
Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.
Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
Tom Tucker
Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh ,uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh God Stewie come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah I would.
Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.
