Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Quotes
Pizza Delivery Guy: Pizza for Mayor West.
Adam West: No! You got me Canadian bacon instead of bacon? This misdeed can not go unpunished. Pizza delivery man, prepare to meet your maker, at the hands of my cat launcher.
Announcer: We now return to Laguna Beach.
Girl 1: Like right?
Girl 2: I know!
Girl 3: Whatever because, duh!
Girl 2: I know, right?
Girl 1: Whatever, because I mean like, totally, full out.
Girl 2: Full on.
Girl 3: Right?
(returns to Peter)
Peter: I guess it's not easy growing up anywhere.
(Reading from booklet) If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it. (pauses) Well that's something I'd like to avoid.
Peter
Lois: Peter, what the hell is this?
Peter: My chastity belt.
Lois: A chastity belt? What in God's name is that for?
Peter: I'm abstinent Lois, it's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay, and Gays into Mexicans, everyone goes down a notch.
Brian: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter: (from another room) Yeah, its been on my crotch.
Lois: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is...it..its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
(pans to see Brian in the doorway)
Brian: I love you.
Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex, in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf".
Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.
Adam West: Damn I lost him. Alright cats, back in the bag.
(Adam West starts putting the cats back in the bag)
Adam West: Come one Fluffy, come on Mittens, come on Paul... (Laughing) .. What a ridiculous name for a cat, Paul..that's a person's name..a person's name (Continues laughing) ...Paul
Stewie: (playing with his toys) I say, look at this, this toy has small parts, why the devil would they include small parts? Unless .. I'm supposed to eat them, of-course it all adds up.(Stewie bites the toy) Oww! (spitting his tooth out) Oh dear god, I've lost a tooth.
Chris: Dude you're lucky, if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will come and give you a dollar.
Stewie: (shocked) What?? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here, to our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
(camera pans to see Brian sitting at the table near Stewie)
Brian: Yeah, she creeps into your house at night, and comes into your room while you sleep.
Stewie: (shocked) Oh my god!
Brian: And sometimes, just for the hell of it, (turns to Stewie) she cuts off a piece of her arm-pit hair and places it gently on your tongue.
(Smells the pile) Aaaah.... (Jumps into the pile) F**K YEAH!
</i> Tooth Fairy
Peter: (After Sex) Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tatoo on your lower back?
Lois: I dunno, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
