Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
[Charlie comes to lay down in Alan's bed]
Alan: You are wearing pajama bottoms, right?
Charlie: Shh...
Alan: Exactly how drunk are you?
[Charlie moves over to spoon with Alan]
Charlie: Both questions asked and answered.
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.
Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.
Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.
Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!
Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.
