Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.

Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon

Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye

Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it