Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.
Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.
Kandi: Want to have sex?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit
Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon
Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.
Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.
Lyndsey: I'm so full it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Alan: Can we please not call it a pin?
Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.