Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: I need you to watch Jake for the rest of the weekend so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas and get married.
Charlie: Oh, God, Alan! There's no need to marry the woman! If you don't want to have sex anymore just tell her!
Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail
Alan: Mom's here. Charlie, can you hear me?
Charlie: Yeah, I just prefer to live in denial
Charlie: Are you happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother.
Alan: She's your mother, too.
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish
Jake: Dad, if Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts would that make you guys even?
Alan: No.
Jake [to Charlie]: Boy, he's really mad at you
Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Let's say that it was water, and that I poured it
Charlie [locked in the bathroom]: There is no bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan: Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!
Charlie: What do you know, there is a bad Alan
Alan: Did you see me take the Silly Putty?
Charlie: Oh, no, no, I was nowhere near the Silly Putty. I think I was in the doll section, taking a peek under Barbie's dress. What a gyp that was!
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again didn't you?
Jake: It's 1234. Even a monkey could crack that
Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
Charlie: Oh, okay, sure. Jake, your father didn't steal the Silly Putty, I did.
Jake: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened, he'd be the one to get in trouble.
Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
Jake: I think Uncle Charlie's a genius
Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't
Alan [about Jake's homework]: Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!
