Keates: Spider?
Tony: Keates?
Gibbs: You know her?
Tony: Um, well I..in a sort of...yeah. She's Philly PD.
Keates: She was. She's ATF now. Special Agent Zoe Keates. You want to get that gun out of my face and come over here and give me a hug?

Keates: If there was ever any indication that he or his family were any danger we would have stepped in.
Gibbs: His wife's dead. Think you missed your cue.
Keates: Okay look here, John Wayne. You don't come into my house and accuse me of not doing my job.
Tony: Okay why don't we just settle down, back it up.
Keates: Like hell. I am damned good at what I do. I'm also professional enough to admit when I've made a mistake but only when I've made one.

Burton: Isn't this a pleasant surprise. And who might you be?
Tony: I'm very special Agent Tony DiNozzo.
Burton: I do love Italian.

Abby: I know you, Tony. The real you. And the fake happy front you put up you.
Tony: Oh come on. I am a happy dude. I mean I like, radiate happiness. That song "Happy"?
Abby: That's baloney. This whole random act of dating schtick? Nobody's buying it, okay? We know you're lonely, and we no why. Ziva. Say it. Ziva.
Tony: Come on. I can say it. I know her name. Ziva.
Abby: Okay then let's stop dancing around this whole thing, okay - we all miss her. I love Ziva but she left us. She's gone. And it hurts, and it sucks but that's reality. We have to face it.
Tony: I have faced it, many many times. She said no, she didn't want to come back. That's that. I have moved on from it.
Abby: But you haven't moved on from her. And you can't keep putting your life on hold waiting for her to show up, because she probably never will.
Tony: I know. Doesn't make it any easier. The truth is: I miss my friend.
Abby: You have friends here too, Tony, don't forget.
Tony: I know. Thanks Abby.

Tony: Now look. Gibbs isn't there, me neither. Listen, McGee - you're the boss now.
McGee: Me? Whoa, whoa. Tony....
Tony: Don't mess it up.

Bishop: You don't have the change the subject. I'm not the sex police.
Tony: Kind of you are.
Bishop: Um, hello? I'm married. I have more sex than the two of you combined.
Tony: From what I hear that's not how that works.

SecNav: Director Vance, Special Agent Gibbs and DiNozzo, I'd like you to meet FBI Special Agent Pendergast. She will be your partner for the duration of this case.
Pendergast: Pleased to meet you.
Tony: Ah. Okay.

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Pendergast: Call me Leia
Tony: Like the Princess.
Pendergast: I hate Star Wars.
Tony: Nobody hates Star Wars.
Pendergast: You do when your name is Leia, Agent DiNozzo

Tony: Am I updating the FBI?
Gibbs: No, no not yet.
Tony: Got it. And if Leia asks?
Gibbs: Geeze, DiNozzo. Make something up. She's your girlfriend.
Tony: Why - did she say something? Did she mention me by name?

You know what Tony is spelled backwards? Y not? Think about it

McGee: Gibbs would never leave you out of the loop on something like this.
Tony: He didn't.
Bishop: You knew? So why bother fighting with her?
Tony: She fights back. I have a type.

Tony: If you think about it, science is amazing. I mean video phone sex. You and Jake ever---
Bishop: Wow. You have no boundaries.
Tony: Come on, I'm messing with you.
Bishop: Did you miss the sexual harassment seminar?
Tony: Every year.

NCIS Quotes

Abby: It's okay. Breena's fine. Breathe. Good. Now hurry up and get to the hospital because Breena is in labor.
McGee: Jimmy? Did you hear what she said? She just said Breena's having a baby. I think you broke him.

Qasim: Who did you lose, exactly?
Bishop: A co-worker, a few years ago.
Qasim: It stays with you doesn't it? It's a heavy burden to bear alone.
Bishop: Look, I focus on the analytic aspects of things. That's where I'm effective. It's how I can best help people.
Qasim: And who is it that helps you? It's what we don't say that weighs the most. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.