Abby: Luca, this is very special Agent Tony DiNozzo. Tony, this is my little brother Luca.
Tony: It's nice to meet you, Luca. You're under arrest.

Tony: He's a dead man. Bishop's the last person you'd expect to slit someone's throat in their sleep.
McGee: Which would make her the first.
Tony: Now you're catching on.
Bishop: You know I can hear every word you're saying.
Tony: That's impossible. I'm whispering.

Tony: I got it. You dumped Jake.
McGee: Like a hot potato.
Tony: Dumped him.

Tony: Special Agent Fornell! Look at that. Your hair grew back, almost.
Fornell: You see, this is why you're my least favorite, DiNozzo. [Glances at McGee] Scratch that. Second least favorite.

Tony: Name of the boat is crucial. I had mine picked out for years. Go ahead, you'll never guess.
McGee: The Codfather.
Tony: We've been working together too long.

Fornell: All right, this is too pathetic. Grab your stuff, let's go.
Tony: Go where?
Fornell: My house.
Tony: You're inviting me to your house for Thanksgiving dinner? I thought I was your second-least favorite?
Fornell: You are. But dry turkey, blackened dinner's really more of a punishment.
Tony: So now that we're friends, can I call you Toby?
Fornell: Don't push your luck.

McGee: You know I once dated a girl who had pteronophobia.
Tony: What is that?
McGee: A fear of being tickled with a feather.
Tony: That's interesting. Kinky. Wait a minute. You haven't dated that many people. Do I know this person? Is it Delilah?
McGee: No. It's not Delilah.
Tony: Is it Abby? It is! It's Abby!
McGee: Listen. She will kill me, okay? You have to promise, promise that you will not tell her.
Tony: I promise. You have my word as a gentleman, I promise.

Green: Is this THE DiNozzo?
Malone: In person.
Green: Hey, you are a legend around here. I've heard a lot of wild stories about you. Tell me about the naked bust. That's not true.
Tony: That is 100% true.
McGee: So who was naked, you or the perp?
Tony: Both of us. I was undercover at a nudist colony.
Malone: See we got this tip. Pole dancer was stealing from her boss, so she's hiding out in a nudist colony. DiNozzo volunteers to go undercover.
McGee: Of course he does.
Green: Is it true you spotted her right away but didn't make the arrest for two days?
Tony: Three days.

Tony: Bish is in the cone of silence. Do you know who she's talking to?
McGee: Jake, I think. Obviously something she doesn't want us to hear.
Tony: She seems a little down. Think maybe I should talk to her.
McGee: Leave her be.
Tony: Maybe she's in need of a little brotherly advice.

McGee: Bishop have you not noticed how extra quiet Gibbs has been, lately?
Tony: See, he's on about this. I don't agree with you.
Bishop: Lately?
Tony: Thank you

McGee: So when are you going to go talk to her?
Tony: There's nothing to talk about. I'm sorry about what happened, but I was doing my job. That's it. Of course it bothered me that I lied to her. I was in love with her. But it was a long time ago and her husband is missing and there's nothing to talk about.
McGee: So when are you going to go talk to her?

Tony (flashback): I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Benoit: Was any of it real?
Tony: No.
Benoit: I wish I'd never met you.

NCIS Quotes

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.