Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXBrian Griffin Quotes
Stewie: (about the tooth fairy) I have to lure her back on my terms and kill her myself! But to catch a fairy I have to think like a fairy.
(Brian looks at the camera, and the frame pauses)
Announcer: If you want Brian to say "Well, that'll be a stretch" text message FAMGUY1. If you want Brian to say "I'm not touchin' that one" text FAMGUY2. If you want Brian to say "Ariba!" and dance around a sombrero, text FAMGUY3. Enter now. (pauses, music plays for short while) Thanks for voting!
Brian: Ariba! (begins dancing around a sombrero)
Brian: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter: (from another room) Yeah, its been on my crotch.
Lois: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is...it..its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
(pans to see Brian in the doorway)
Brian: I love you.
Stewie: (playing with his toys) I say, look at this, this toy has small parts, why the devil would they include small parts? Unless .. I'm supposed to eat them, of-course it all adds up.(Stewie bites the toy) Oww! (spitting his tooth out) Oh dear god, I've lost a tooth.
Chris: Dude you're lucky, if you put that under your pillow the tooth fairy will come and give you a dollar.
Stewie: (shocked) What?? Did you say the tooth fairy comes here, to our house? She just breaks in like some hood?
(camera pans to see Brian sitting at the table near Stewie)
Brian: Yeah, she creeps into your house at night, and comes into your room while you sleep.
Stewie: (shocked) Oh my god!
Brian: And sometimes, just for the hell of it, (turns to Stewie) she cuts off a piece of her arm-pit hair and places it gently on your tongue.
Stewie: Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it Brian?
Brian: It is.
Stewie: Can we play my mixtape?
Brian: Yeah, go ahead.
(Stewie puts in the mixtape and "Cars" by Gary Numan begins to play. Stewie sings to the beat)
Stewie: Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car.
(Brian shuts the tape off)
Stewie: Ohhhh, you're a poor sport.
Stewie: Oh, well let me ask you something. Does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what, why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So your saying she does not have an alibi.
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Ok, so we established she ain't got no alibi, she ugly, she ugly. (chants) U-G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi she ugly.
Brian: Screw off.
Stewie: M, she major ugly, O, she fat and pugly, O my god know the cow says moo.
Stewie: You hate MTV!
Brian: Pot helps.
Stewie: Alright Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh dammit, now I'm doing it too!
Stewie: What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Brian: Yep.
Stewie: Late night, huh? What's her name Brian?
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: Oh spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside out collar. If I didn't recognize what was going on here, I'd have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.
(Flash to the retirement home)
Stewie: (singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Oh, there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Whoa-ho-ho, alright, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there's something else down there in the bottom of the sea, something that you'll be able to relate to.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a tube in the throat, of the elderly man, in the hospital bed, on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
Oh there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(A nurse wheels in a birthday cake on a cart)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Oh, whoa! What is this?
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
(Mr. Cowen falls to the floor)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Get a nurse.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea.
Stewie: What are you doing?
Brian: What does it look like? I'm leaving.
Stewie: You can't leave. That's desertion! They'll come after you like Peter came after that hockey coach! (Pause) No clip? Huh. Thought we had a clip.
Stewie: Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end?
Brian: Well I uh..
Stewie: NEVER, thats when! You need this Brian. You dropped out of college, you still haven't finished your novel, do you know what you lack? Discipline! You know where you'll get it? Right here in the Army!
