Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm not goin' to family night - my agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumpin' off the roof.
Brian: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves!
Peter: Don't worry, we can fly! I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy - either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. [noise of loud sniffing] Agh! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner!
Brian: Peter, let go of me! Aggh—! [he and Peter belly flop to front porch] Dammit!

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Brian: Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell what he can and can't do.
Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Stewie: Are they not seein' this?
Brian: I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.
Stewie: Yeah - looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.
Brian: Can we say that?
Stewie: Just did.

Stewie: "Brian, if I take up roller derby what od you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze, or Quo Hag?"
Brian: "How about Harlot O'Scara?"
Stewie: "You dick, that's awesome."

Stewie: "Brian, is this our vacation?"
Brian: "Yea."
Stewie: "Oh...are we trash?"
Brian: "Kinda."

Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes.

Brian: Stewie, what the hell happened?
Stewie: Oh well, shortly after you left, da Vinci's girlfriend showed up. So I injected her with my DNA.
Brian: You had sex?
Stewie: No, I put my DNA inside of her.
Brian: Right, you had sex.
Stewie: No, what are you not getting? I put a sample of my DNa in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase, on the couch, and on the balcony.

Brian: Stewie! Stewie! Are you ok?
Stewie: (falsetto) You gotta kiss him to wake him up.
Brian: I'm not going to kiss you!
Stewie: Stewie can't hear you. He's not awake. Only a kiss will wake him up!
Brian: Well, I better get Meg.
Stewie: Oh, oh where am I?

Brian: Oh my god!
Priest: Ahem, a tip is customary.

Brian: So that means you're Italian.
Stewie: Of course! My love for spaghetti-o's and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
Brian: Ew.

Stewie: Well, I'm off to the farmer's market. I've got to pick up some plutonium for a return pad, in case I decide to make another universe later.
Brian: Plutonium? At the farmer's market?
Stewie: Yep, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think locally; buy organically.
Stewie: Hey slut, get me out of this.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagleczech?

Family Guy Quotes

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)