Stewie: Well, I'm off to the farmer's market. I've got to pick up some plutonium for a return pad, in case I decide to make another universe later.
Brian: Plutonium? At the farmer's market?
Stewie: Yep, I'm only using organic plutonium now. Think locally; buy organically.
Stewie: Hey slut, get me out of this.

Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagleczech?

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

You just think you know everything don't you? You're just like a black woman in hindsight.

Call me the "Paw." That's what I go by now.

Brian: Good morning everyone!
Lois: Ah crap, he's in love again.

Brian: Uh no... uh I'm going to meet Jenny's cats.
Peter: What are you talking about? You hate cats.
Brian (gritting his teeth): I'm... going... to... meet... her cats...

Lois, I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in. But can I hump your legs for 15 uninterrupted seconds?

Meg, you're so beautiful on the inside... but it's important that you know your limitations.

Brian: Ah, it's a period joke!
Peter: Ah, it's a period period joke!

Stewie: Brian, why does the North Pole have black teenagers?
Brian: Um, uh, from Katrina?

Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show... you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley